


I'll follow you

by syusuke



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Melancholy, Self-Loathing, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syusuke/pseuds/syusuke
Summary: A quick introspective character study on what keeps Roy going.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	I'll follow you

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this song which I can't understand, because I don't speak... chinese? I'm not sure.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYTTengRcPc&feature=youtu.be

_You don’t understand, Fullmetal._

Nobody did. The things he’d done for power, the corpses that pathed his way. The lifes he ended to gain the precision and speed that made him a war hero.

 _War hero._ An ironic title for slaughtering hundreds, maybe thousands. An unneccessary war in the first place, one to gain power, to gain control over a country that.. didn’t do anything. But he’d been young and naïve. He’d been so desperate to prove himself, to show everyone how powerful his flame alchemy was. His flames were precise, fast, deadly. At a simple snap they shot through the battlefield, evading allies, but burning all that dared to oppose them. _War hero._ They called him that because his flames had saved their own soldiers, had allowed for tactical retreat. He had no small part in securing their victory.

He still saw their faces. Children, women, civilians. Most of all the two doctors who had come here to help, out of the goodness of their hearts. Aware of the dangers and they were successful. Too successful. He couldn’t deny a direct order. He burnt them. Leaving them as small pile of ash. Unable to tell their story and the troubles of war.

Victors wrote history, losers remained unheard.

No one would tell the story from the Ishbalan’s side. There was no one left to tell.

Except, he knew the story.

Oh, Roy might have been loyal to a fault, might have done terrible things. But he learned. If nothing else, he learned. He could see the shadows now, recognize the schemes playing out behind closed doors. The military would never allow him to tell the real story, but there was no need. He firmly held on to the belief that if at least one good thing came out of the war, those lifes weren’t lost in vain.

If the only thing that changed was his own mind, then so be it.

He would fight for those who couldn’t. He would climb the ladder and change the system. You couldn’t shatter a system from the outside, so he’d work his way up until he ranked high enough to reform it. He could put up a pleasant façade and fool his superiors.

A young officer who only chased after skirts and goofed off with his team, didn’t even finish his paperwork until his subordinates forced him to – Why would anyone feel threatened by such a man? A naïve upstart, head in the clouds. He could play the role. He would, as long as it was necessary.

He couldn’t do it alone though. This vision was too big for one man.

Maes, Riza, Armstrong, Jean, Falman.

Only a fool would try to pull this alone. If Maes could believe in him, if Riza would stand beside him, he could do it. They could move forward, into a brighter future. Into a future where Maes’ kid would grow up safe, where the government didn’t send young officers to their dead for unknown goals.

He couldn’t deny his past, he didn’t want to. He didn’t need anyone to forgive him. He didn’t deserve redemption. There was too much blood on his hands.

But he could do his part. He could carry the guilt and move on to make sure no one else had to do it after him. He could protect the Elrics from a danger that was so much bigger than them, a threat they couldn’t possibly face alone. He could put a big target on his back to distract their enemies, like he’d done with Scar. He could fake a death and protect Maria Ross. He’d dig deep into the system and get his hands on as many strings as he could.

As long as he could keep moving, as long as he had his team around him to believe in him on the days he couldn’t.

_Everyone has someone they love and want to protect. If everyone protects the people they love, everyone is cared for._

He believed it. It was not just a hollow phrase to convince people to help him. He believed it.

_He had to believe it._

There was nothing else left. Nothing else worth fighting for. Redemption and forgiveness when he couldn’t get it from the one person he needed to hear it from. He would never forgive himself. Never. He couldn’t.

He had to be better. He had to earn it, his life had to change things for the better.

If he stopped walking, if he paused… The barrel of his gun was more and more inviting.

An unrealistic dream was as good a reason as any.

He would keep going, keep trying.

Until the day he failed and then he would see Maes again.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been... I'd say at least ten years since the last time I wrote FMA. I don't know. That song just screamed melancholic Roy at me. It was a fun challenge writing to the mood of a song without understanding the lyrics!


End file.
